Tyanna Linton

The Essay

Professor Mooe

November 16, 2022

“Selfless Lover”

Heart breaks

Time to heal.

Broken dish, your now gone forever

You start to question “Who I am”

Why is that?

Too many broken piece, no masterpiece

Starting over , may leave you with regrets

But those regrets are the answers to your prayers.

Blessings lead you to the real

Real leads to your wants

Wants leads to your goals

Obstacles are knocked over

The prize is here

Expectations of a man is now clear

Some may say self-centered.

But it’s not called being selfish.

It’s making sure you have a selfless lover.

“Selfless Lover”

During the summer of 2020, I told myself that I wanted to get out more. I wanted to make new friends, I wanted to meet new people, I wanted to find a boyfriend and most importantly I wanted a full time job. Everything that I wanted I got but there was one thing that was not on the list that I didn’t want. On the list, I said I wanted a boyfriend. In fact, I did meet a boy two months later. Well I actually knew him for about six years online. But we never met in person.We formed a genuine connection.  The connection was so pure that we decided to go on multiple dates. However, in August 2020 there was one day where it was raining like cats and dogs(Simile). We were at the mall and I tried to take an uber home. But the prices were crazy. The price was so high, I would have to rob a bank to pay for the cab (Hyperbole).So he said, come by my place and wait it out. I agreed, because I actually trusted him. Years back, I went to his house so I was fine with going over there again.

Later that night, we got to his house and he actually made sure  I was comfortable. It even got to the point where we had deep conversations about our lives. We felt each other on a spiritual level. I started to feel like maybe he can be my little boo. Two hours in, we decided to order pizza and watch movies. The night was going pretty smooth until he reached in for a kiss. It kind of went even smoother. So you know what happened hours later, we did the hanky panky. Once we were done, everything was fine. The minute we were about to talk. My mom called me to come to her house. So I got up and we shared our goodbyes. Then I left.  He checked up on me and made sure I was home safe. The next couple of days we were still building our little bond. Every night I would be on the phone talking with him for hours. But then, out of the blue, he ghosted me. I called him and it went straight to voicemail. I even gave it two days and it was still nothing. I then proceeded to text him on Snapchat and asked “Why me?”. “What did I do to you, for you to just leave like that?”. “I trusted you”. There was still no response. I just wanted to jump through the phone to wherever he was. Then slapped him so hard it would send him back to when he was in the womb (Hyperbole).As weeks went by, I completely lost it. I literally blame myself for everything that happened. All I remember me saying was “ I need to make better choices, it’s my fault and I should have known”. That’s when I knew that sweet Tyanna was no longer in the picture. I even wanted to change my ways. But I didn’t understand where everything went wrong.

A month later, one day I was just casually scrolling through snapchat and there he goes. He pops up on my page with his ex. I said outloud “What the actual fuck?”. I immediately called him and cursed him out. I felt completely disrespected. He called me “crazy” and told me “stop calling my phone before I get my sister to beat you up”. That day, I felt completely broken. I literally was starting to lose myself all over again. This was not the first time I was treated in such a harsh way. First it was my father and then it kept happening with boys I met. Anywho, I had finally stepped out of my zone to give people chances in my life. The same thing happened to me once again. I just turned on my R&B music and just tried to keep to myself. While I was listening to the music, a notification popped up on my phone. It said “Tyanna your cycle is one day late”. I literally paused. I was as still as the people on the tv screen when you press pause on a movie (Simile).

 I said to myself “This guy literally just used me, I now have a kid on the way. I never believed in abortions. But being in this situation. I had to honestly think about myself. I had to think about all the bullshit I would have to deal with. But, I realized that I have to talk to him about it. Which in fact I did, but he denied him being the father. As two weeks went by, I continued to see him with this girl, acting as if nothing happened. At this point I don’t even think they broke up. I think he cheated on her with me. 

In the moment I realized I was alone I literally had nobody. I didn’t want to tell my mom. I knew how upset she would be. At this point I started to isolate myself from everyone around me.. I felt completely broken. It felt like I was a mirror that was shattered into pieces (Simile). I always tried to play it off as if nothing happened but, I honestly couldn’t. I felt like I had no worth anymore. I felt like the men in this world are literally my enemies and I have to stay away from them . I started to regret a lot of things I did in my life. But my friend said “ Tyanna, those regrets are really your blessing. It’s going to help you elevate, don’t give up now”. At that same moment, the guy called me and said “so it’s really mine”. I said “who else would it be”. He then said “I feel like you should have the baby. We are going to be good and I am going to the military”. Even though I was hurt, I literally laughed in his face. I said “you literally just disrespected me, how I am going to have a child with a manipulator”. Then I just hung up the phone. I went to the only person who I knew I could count on. Which is in fact my mom.

 I called her and told her everything that happened. She asked me “why did I wait so long”. I told her “I don’t know, I guess I was still in shock. ” She was extremely disappointed and hurt but she didn’t leave me. She stood right by my side. We had a long conversation about knowing your self worth, being self aware and  knowing what you want in life and from a man. From this talk it made me realize “If a man’s demeanor doesn’t look good. Always trust instincts and leave him”.  One line that I took from her was “ Having certain expectations from a man in order for them to be with you is not bad. Never think that it’s selfish, it’s just making sure you have a selfless lover.Right at that moment I made my decision. I told him I am going to get a abortion. He still didn’t agree with it. Sadly the next morning, I went to get a abortion. 

At the appointment, I literally broke down. The doctors came and spoke to me. The same thing that my mom said, they said the exact same thing to me. A Lot of them actually told me to go through with it. Only because they realized how shitty the situation was and how even more shitty it would be. I just had to do it. I couldn’t deal with all the stress and the emotions. My life literally just got started. I graduated high school and I finally got my full time job. My heads pace was not there to raise a child and especially with a loser like him.

This situation has made me understand my worth. Despite that dude’s actions, I still kept in the loop with what was happening. That made me understand how much of a real and genuine person I am. I couldn’t let him destroy me. When I got home, I promised myself. No more relationships until I am in a good head space and make sure that guy is made for you. The things I went through in my life made me understand that a guy will literally do or say anything. Just to get into your pants. The sad part about it is I really called this person my friend. Through it all, he couldn’t see past the situation and just be human for once. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, you really still don’t know them.