Tyanna Linton

The Essay 23304

Professor Moore

November 4th, 2022

“Letting Go Does Not Always Hurt”

Growing up, I always heard that high school and college were the best years in your life. But, for me, it was a complete nightmare. In my sophomore year of college in spring 2022. I completely lost myself. It was as if a huge storm came and washed away everything that made me Tyanna(Simile). In the year of 2022, I lost my grandma who I never met. She was my father’s mom. I had always spoken to her over the phone like once a year. But I never got the chance to meet her or even see her. But, I knew she was someone who I wanted in my life. The soft tone of her voice made me even want to form a relationship with her. I always thought she never wanted to know me. However, she was extremely sick which is why we were not able to. Till this day, my dad did not tell me why she was sick. However, that was not what killed her. It was goddamn CO-VID. 

Before she passed away, I had the chance to speak with my Grandma about my fathers behavior and my thoughts about. She never told me the full story but she said once you learn to love your dad. Then I will share the information. She always told me despite his actions, you’re his child. Don’t be ugly towards him because “God doesn’t like ugly”. I knew that, it was just so hard to deal with my own father treating me like shit. Every year I spoke to her and she always told me, The fifth commandment says, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12).   When she told me this I was confused. Why? Because I lost my connection with God when I was young. She was astonished, when I told her I couldn’t remember anything from the bible. I told her my life experiences ripped everything away from me. I had always prayed but things never reformed for me. I am talking about when I was 12 years old! I was up every morning going to church and trying to get closer to god. But my dad’s actions and my prayers for him never got answered. Honestly, I could say these experiences made me question God for many years. 

When my grandmother passed, it made me feel helpless.  I felt as though she could have been the closest person that could help me understand why he behaved in such a negative way. But, I had to realize that God guides you and not just answer your prayers. At that moment I realized God had opened the doors to someone who knew my father the best. She made me understand, despite the negativity, you must always love your parents. Especially, when they are actually doing right by you. But, something about my dad, mentally, was not clicking. But it made me understand that I have to work on myself and my life just as much as God is protecting and nurturing me. But, there’s more.

  Not only did that happen, but I fell into deep depression because of my past relationship. I devoted my time and money into this relationship when he was behind my back screwing the next girl. Which was his best friend Yep! The nerve of him. I am so happy I aint let him get near my kitty.  This was not my only encounter with a guy that did me so dirty. I feel like I was so vulnerable because I never experienced love from the first man in my life. Things between us were bittersweet, but a little more on the bitter side(Oxymoron ). He did not know how to love correctly but he knew how to provide a roof over my head and make sure I ate (Antanagoge). Growing up my life has always gone left when it came to men in my life. It all routed from my father. 

This year I wanted to talk to my Grandma again and try to get to know her more and along with my dad’s past. But when I found out she passed away. A piece of me disappeared. I felt nothing. It was like there was a big gap in my heart(Simile). That’s when the Tyanna everyone once knew changed. I went from being open to being closed. I went from being very bold to being shy. I went from having the most confidence in the world to being really insecure. I have been hurt to my core previously. But, this hurt was deep. My academics started to get affected. I started failing my classes in the spring. Out of five classes, I failed one and dropped one class. I even almost dropped out of college. I sat down and I tried to figure out where I went wrong. I asked myself “Why am I not passing”.  Not realizing that it was my past affecting my present and my future.

  Furthermore, I really thought I couldn’t get out of that dark space until I had a talk with my grandmother on my mother’s side. That lady right there is literally my best friend. The best best best best friend in the entire world. But, she never knew of anything I was going through. My grandmother told me “I need to learn how to let go”. She said “When you hold onto things, it holds you back from living the life that you want to live. It stops you from achieving the dream and goals you put into action for yourself. Most importantly it can put you into a deep hole, where you’ll need help coming out of and sometimes you don’t come out”. 

When she told me that, I literally had no words. I realized that the empty space I felt was the hole I was sinking in. If I didn’t learn how to let go of the past, then the life I want to have will not work because I did not let go of the past. She told me that your life is going extremely well. You just have to let go of the negativity so that the positivity can flow. It took me a while. But eventually, I did just that. I was able to take on a summer course in the summer and passed with an A plus. I secured my first job at a daycare as a  full time assistant teacher. I am in a good relationship. I am trying to make things more peaceful between me and my father. Lastly, I am starting to learn that not everyone will give the same love and treatment you give them. It is okay, but don’t make their ugliness reform the type of person you are.

Last to note, letting go is not easy. You are going to have so many trial and errors. But what’s important is that you learn from your actions. Based on what you learn, you make smarter decisions that’s going to benefit you and the ones around you. It leaves a domino effect. That’s something that I want for myself. I want the actions and decisions that I make,  help me and others around me. Honestly, I am still currently still learning more on how to let go. Things don’t change so quickly. But it’s important to make progress. The progress I am making so far is shaping me into the woman that I aspire to be. Letting go does not always hurt. It can also help you heal and open your eyes to something different. But what can I say that’s the beauty of life. You have to feel it to see it and then you have to learn how to let it go.